Can’t wait to see where he’ll be hiding next time shit hits the fan. I reckon it’ll be under the Resolute Desk. Fuck this redneck asshole with a long, dry, splintery pole. I’ve voted against this wad every time I could, but I’m heavily outnumbered here.

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My wife thinks I’m the smartest man she has ever known. Meanwhile, I’m slapping my own head going, “This baby can fit so many Wikipedia articles in it.”

Get a government job. You’ll hear more acronyms in 2 hours than you’ve heard in the last year.

Duck be on the ark tonight?

But hey, anal juice is also pretty good.

Replace “token” with “title” and “monkey” with “car,” and you’ve got a formula most people understand.

I own the title, but I don’t own the car.

Unlike the monkey, you can go find the car in the real world.

Aw man, I loved their last album. I never realized they released another. I was listening to The Scholars by Car Seat Headrest for a good portion of last year.

I hear it tastes pretty good, too.

Your genetic data, your husband’s genetic data, and your future kids’ genetic data. They’re playing the long con on that one.