I’ve been with my boyfriend since 2024. Our relationship has to be on the down low / an open secret because dating isn’t permissible among his people. His family says they really like me, but they’d never accept me as his wife since I’m not Arab, maybe as a second wife, but the first wife has to be someone they approve of. I don’t want to be a second wife. I’m with him despite all of this because he treats me great, fucks me good, and gets me (he’s very open-minded and chill, and I feel fully comfortable with him). But I know he won’t go against his family for me because of $$$.
Lol start dating around at the same time and see how he likes it. Then dump that bullshit. Maybe they’ll figure it out in a few years.
You could just stay with him long term despite how everyone feels. This happens a lot in my area, my local highschool is majority Arabic. People learn to deal or live with it. Nothing is perfect, and to be fair in-laws tend to suck regardless of cultural norms.
You have to balance enjoying today against planning for tomorrow.
How much are you limiting yourself in finding a long term partner by being in the relationship? If you were single instead of in this relationship for say a year, how many guys that could be long term would you meet?
How much do you value long term vs Just getting laid today?
You’re young, making mistakes and wrong decisions is how you learn these things. Just don’t make a mistake that is permanent, like tattoos, kids or driving without a seatbelt.
How much are you limiting yourself in finding a long term partner by being in the relationship? If you were single instead of in this relationship for say a year, how many guys that could be long term would you meet?
Also whether you are learning something from the current relationship that would make a future relationship more successful. For example, if you are actively finding things out about yourself that might have derailed future relationships then a failed relationship might still be worth it.
In that case, I also wouldn’t consider it failed, just impermanent. I’m thankful for each one of my exes, even the ones where we’re now so different we wouldn’t ever run in the same circles. I learned something from each of them.
From your other posts, I guess you are around 18 and this is your first long-term relationship. If that’s the case, don’t worry too much about it. Don’t expect your first relationship to last forever. Or your second. Or third. Enjoy what you have for as long as it lasts but don’t be afraid to move on when either of you becomes uncomfortable with it. If you treat every relationship as if it must last forever, you won’t recognize the signs if something develops in the wrong direction and you risk locking yourself into something you don’t want, just because you don’t realize that you have other options.
Breakups hurt like hell but they also help you grow. With each one you learn something about yourself, your life goals and what you like and dislike in a partner. I’m in my late 30s now and if you count everything that lasted longer than a year, I’m in my third long-term relationship right now, with a hand full of shorter ones in between. The longest one lasted for about seven years and ended because we figured out that our plans for the future had changed in a way that no longer fit together. Breaking up was the right choice and maybe we should have done it a bit earlier but at the same time, I’m grateful for every single day we had and regret nothing.
So in short: see where the journey goes. Be open-minded either way. Maybe you’ll stay together for another month, another year or another decade. Enjoy each other for as long as you’re both happy but don’t be afraid of ending things when you’re not.
Everyone deserved to be someones first priority. That means you. You deserve someone who puts you first in life, regardless of your age. They can still be chill. they can still meet your needs.
The only person you are justifying current circumstance here is to yourself.
sadly a lot of people would rather be someone’s side piece than someone who would put them first.
mostly because they have internal conflicts and won’t allow themselves to be happy so they find security in a unhappy situation.
You can have a lot of fun in a relationship with no future. But you can’t have fun in a relationship with no future when you want there to be a future.
You can either enjoy this relationship for what it is, or find a relationship that meets your needs!
Depends on what you want for your future I guess. If I was in your shoes and I knew I want something different for me in the future, I’d break up (maybe stay friends with benefits) and look for that future. Otherwise I’d be scared to miss out on that person.
Your are a grown up and obviously know that this won’t work out long term so stick with it as long as it makes you feel good and doesn’t prevent you from working towards your desired future.
Yeah I dated an Indian girl whose family didn’t permit her dating me. I know from experience that I’m talking to a brick wall but if I could go back I would’ve never started that relationship or left it as soon as possible. If someone isn’t rejecting their family outright they will never choose you. You’re being used as an outlet for their desires that exist outside the culture they live in, it isnt love. Love doesn’t have to hide, it insists upon itself.
True love isn’t real, whatever you see in this person isn’t unique and exists in countless others; others who who will be everything you want without the burden of overbearing family. The longer you stay in this relationship the more of these people you will see slip between your fingers.
I know that I won’t be helpful, but you have a good enough reason to leave while also good enough reasons to stay for a while.
You have two things to consider
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you’ll need to find someone who you see future with. Staying here leaves you with lesser time
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longer you are together, the more painful will be the break up
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It might be, but who cares.
As a wise man once said: the time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.
If you don’t enjoy it, tho, then you’re definitely wasting your time for no good.
As a general rule, I’d say no, especially when you are young or inexperienced, they offer learning opportunities so you will have developed relationship skills when you meet someone it will work out with long term.
Is this guy in particular worth it? That’s a call only you can make.
Good luck!
I don’t think so. Maybe if your only priority is the 2.5 kids and a white picket fence, but other things can be nice too.
If you’re both cognizant of the lack of a future/honest about it and can still be happy with eachother in the moment, why not take it for what it’s worth? Only incels think you lose something by not dating to marry
Not only does the “relationship” have no future, as he won’t go against the wishes of his racist family, but if I were you I’d feel insulted and used. He knew all of this in advance (he knows who his parents are and what they think and what his decision regarding this would be too) and he still went this far with you? Let’s just hope he’s immature and pre-PFC development, else he’s just plain evil. Come on, V… and, btw, every man has a dick, stop focusing so much on the sexual aspect of things. I know you’re young but there’s no point in wasting time and accumulating mistakes and bad experiences just for the fun of it.
TIL having a relationship without the intention of marrying the person is ‘plain evil’.
Without the plan of staying with that person in a committed long-term relationship, knowing that the other person very much wants that? Certainly.
Yes
To answer the question in your title, it depends on what you’re looking for.
When I was in my teens I didn’t know where I would be in a few years, planning for the future was difficult. The main criteria I used was that I didn’t want to regret a relation. It should be something I could look back on fondly and think “Yes, this was meaningful” even later.
As my life got a bit more predictable in my now early twenties and the road ahead more clear, this has shifted my priorities strictly towards seeking a partner for life. Right now, I have found someone who (hopefully) is it. Time can pass quickly, so once you’ve an idea of what you’re looking for in a long term partner (assuming you want one) it may be a good idea to not get stuck in dead-end relations.
situation specific part
As for the situation you describe here in your post, to me it looks like a huge red flag to be extra careful even if this relation can be enjoyable for the time being.
To be clear, what follows here is anecdotal, based on a personal experience with a friend who had a similar relationship with an arab where his family had the same kinds of reservations. Your mileage might vary, just make sure to not simply assume that he’s as open-minded you want him to be, ask.
In any case, my friends ex seemed like a very reasonable (i.e not misogynistic) person when I met him but things got ugly when she wanted to break up. His own values had been much closer to those of his family than he let on. Suddenly she was “his” and he wouldn’t allow her to break up. Not great.
